I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
