real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
