I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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