then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.