Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.