His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
