1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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