Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
