There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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