his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
