I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
