its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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