i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
