is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
