my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
