OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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