He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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