mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
