Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
