do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
