they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drunk is a universal language darling
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
