I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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