I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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