remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
