Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
