I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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