Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
