Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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