my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
