my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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