sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
