ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
