I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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