you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I touched a dick in church today
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
