I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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