I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
