I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
