My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
