Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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