So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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