I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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