after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
