Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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