the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
