shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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