sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
