I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
why is half of my head shaved?
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