I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
