Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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