My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
