He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
