It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
