you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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