I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
