Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
