i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
