I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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