maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
