Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
